Coaching Q&A

Anxiety

You just wrote in with the one word of anxiety, and I want to elaborate that there are two different types of anxiety: one is something you may want to speak to your doctor about, and one is an emotion.  It can be hard to work out which is which sometimes, so I would always recommend seeking medical advice if it is something which is taking over your days. 


The other type of anxiety, is something we can look at here.Anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with you—it’s often just a signal that there’s something going on inside that needs a little more understanding and care. Let’s explore some questions that might help you approach it with curiosity, rather than judgment or frustration.  What specific thoughts are fuelling the anxiety? Anxiety often thrives on vague, looping thoughts that feel hard to pin down. Do you notice any specific ideas or worries which keep surfacing? Are there “what if” scenarios or concerns about things you feel you can’t control? Identifying the specific thoughts can help you work out what is going on, even if it is uncomfortable.

Sometimes anxiety is a cover for other emotions that feel difficult to express, like fear, sadness, or even anger. Are there certain feelings that seem to be hiding underneath the anxiety? Anxiety can sometimes act as a blanket emotion, but lifting that blanket can reveal a more nuanced emotional landscape that’s asking for your attention.  Consider asking, what might you be feeling besides anxiety?  Anxiety isn’t just in the mind; it shows up physically too. Do you notice tightness in your chest, a clenching in your stomach, or tension in your shoulders? Sometimes, just paying attention to these sensations without judgment can help you create a little bit of space between you and the anxiety. 


Ask yourself when I think this specific thought, where is the anxiety in my body?  What happens if you breathe into that place gently, just to acknowledge it?

Anxiety can make us feel like something is wrong with us, especially if we judge ourselves for feeling it. Are there any critical or negative thoughts you’re directing toward yourself because of this anxiety? Sometimes, these thoughts can create a feedback loop, where anxiety about anxiety makes everything feel even heavier.  What would it look like if you allowed yourself to feel anxiety without needing it to go away immediately?

Anxiety often appears when we feel the need to control something that may not be fully in our power. Is there a situation, relationship, or outcome that you’re trying to manage or “get right”? Recognising these areas of control can help you understand what might be triggering the anxiety. 


Anxiety is often a response to uncertainty—the unknowns which make us feel like we’re on unstable ground. How do you feel about not knowing what’s next or being in situations that feel unpredictable? Our tolerance for uncertainty varies, and building resilience around it can help ease some of the grip of anxiety.  I have a whole course on Uncertainty and Anxiety in SelfCareSchool, you can look at.

Sometimes, anxiety is asking for comfort, not answers. When you feel it rising, consider asking yourself what would feel gentle and soothing right now? This doesn’t mean solving the anxiety but offering yourself a moment of relief. If you can find one small act of kindness to offer yourself while you feel this emotion, it can go a long way to reminding your body that you are not in immediate danger.

Anxiety isn’t something you have to overcome all at once. It’s more about finding ways to understand and coexist with it, giving yourself space to feel what’s there without being overwhelmed by it (or the potential of it showing up). By asking yourself these questions, you’re creating room to explore rather than avoid or suppress, and that’s a powerful first step toward feeling more grounded and connected to yourself. Take it one question, one moment at a time—you’re doing more than enough just by being open to this process and inviting the possibilities of asking for support.  Let me know how you get on.


Body Image

"I am fiercely feminist, but I still find myself judging myself with beauty standards I do not agree with. I know better. Why am I still doing this?"

Firstly, I want to acknowledge that you're not alone in this experience. We are all products of the systems we live in, and beauty standards—especially the patriarchal, capitalist ones—are deeply ingrained. Knowing better doesn’t always mean feeling better. At least, not right away.  But it is an important (and vital step). Just because you’ve unlearned some harmful beliefs consciously doesn’t mean your subconscious is always on the same page. Yet.   That takes practice. Years of conditioning don’t disappear overnight.

This isn't a sign that you're failing at feminism or betraying your values. It's simply your brain doing what it has been trained to do. Be compassionate with yourself. Easier said than done – which is why I teach practical ways of engraining this into your life.  If you would like some extra support, our Body Critic Cure course does exactly this.

What you can do is begin to notice these thoughts without judgment. Ask yourself: What part of me is trying to be “good” according to these beauty standards? What part of me is trying to be “good” according to my idea of feminism? What am I afraid of if I don’t meet this standard? Recognise this is a protective mechanism, not a reflection of your worth or alignment with your values.

Engage in practices that help you align your inner and outer worlds (I have a load of courses here and free resources in the newsletter and podcast). Surround yourself with diverse representations of beauty (that includes unfollowing people on social media who make you feel bad about yourself), practice body neutrality, and remind yourself that dismantling these standards is a daily, sometimes moment-to-moment process. It's not about perfection; it's about awareness and small shifts in perspective.  You are already on your way.  The important bit is to not berate yourself for the fact that it is a long journey.

"I find myself emotionally over consuming food. I'm aware of the factors that go with this, boredom, stress, insecurities, but it entraps me and a find it hard to break the chain of another form of addiction. Addiction to things that aren't good for me seem to be a running theme in my life!!?? Thank you"

Firstly, it’s so powerful that you’re noticing these patterns—self-awareness is an important first step. Emotional eating isn’t a flaw; it’s a way many people cope with overwhelming feelings. And it’s completely normal to feel like you’re reaching for comfort in a way that, in the moment, helps you manage stress or insecurities.

Rather than seeing emotional eating as a “bad” thing, try viewing it as a signal that something within you is asking for compassion or soothing. You don’t need to battle or eliminate the urge entirely, but instead, gently explore other ways to meet those emotional needs when they arise. For example, if boredom is the main trigger, think about one or two small activities that help you feel engaged and energised. What connects you to your body in these moments?  If it’s stress, maybe a quick breathing exercise or stepping outside for a few minutes can help provide a little relief.  If you are a person who likes introspection (and I am guessing if you are around these part, you probably are) , then I’d like to remind you that you have a powerful window Infront of you.  Want to know what is really going on here?  Try not using food to numb out for a minute, an hour or a day and all those thoughts and feelings you are trying to avoid will come running at you to tell you all about yourself – this the uncomfortable but the deep work which is available to you, should you wish to look deeper.

 

I also want to remind you that in this current historical moment, in the global north, food has been demonised and used as a litmus test of worth and value and conflated with health and virtue for most of our lives.  I invite you to notice where you may have internalised some of this stuff.   I invite you to see whose voice it criticising your eating and if it is one you like and trust.  As always, I invite you to contemplate who is making money out of your judging the way you eat and if you think they align with your values.

 

Be careful not to use this knowledge to berate yourself.  It can be easy to fall into the “because I know better, I should do better” narrative – but this is just heaping judgement onto pain.  

 

There are three truths I want you to sit with and possibly journal on and explore what beliefs you have about these facts:

You’re allowed to eat.

You’re allowed to have feelings.

Health and weight are not the same thing.

 

Treat what comes up with gentle curiosity and compassion.

 

As for the sense of “addiction,” it’s worth looking at how you’re talking to yourself here too. When you tell yourself you are “addicted” to certain habits, how does that make you feel?   When you feel that what do you do?   I am not here to undermine any previous time you may have found this label useful, but rather encourage you to investigate whether this a useful label for you right here right now?  Are you “addicted” or are you bored?  Are you “addicted” or are you sad?  Are you “addicted” or are you frustrated?  No right or wrong answers – but check in with yourself where you are looking too old stories rather than current truths.

 

When you give yourself permission to explore new coping strategies – and sometime that will include new labels and language -  you’re expanding the tools in your toolkit, which naturally creates more freedom. Any small shifts you make can eventually lead to a more compassionate relationship with yourself, with your body, with food and other areas of life where these patterns show up.

"I am struggling with eating healthy and feel awful"

I am sorry to hear you are feeling awful.  And honestly, I am not surprised.  We are bombarded with messages daily about the fact that “eating healthily” denotes our value as a human, and we are constantly taught that our worth is tied to our waist size, so it is no wonder that some of this stuff gets internalised.


Knowing that this is the water we swim in is just an acknowledgement; however, it is not the place to get trapped.  Let’s explore some ways to shift this with compassion.

Get clear about the facts:

What does “eating healthy” mean to you? Sometimes our ideas of what “healthy” looks like come from diet culture, which can set up unrealistic or unsustainable expectations. Sometimes this can hide under ”feeling better”  If this is the case for you – what does “feeling better” mean to you? 

I also wonder what you are making it mean about yourself that you are not “eating healthily”?  Why is this a problem for you?  If you get really honest in tis question it will probably lead a trail back to why this is causing you suffering.

In a world which often weaponises food, it can be a very easy go to for us to be able to use it to punish ourselves when we feel we are not up to scratch in other areas of our lives, and it is also a quick win for gaining external validation, and this makes it a very thorny subject for us to dig into without good external support.  In SelfCareSchool I have a course called The Body Critic Cure which you get as part of the membership and I also think it is worth speaking to someone who is trained in an intersectional lens to unpack the way you are speaking to yourself about food, and what bits of that are yours, and what is not.

I also invite you to flip this and, rather than focusing on what you are not doing, investigate what you are doing.  In what ways do you nourish yourself?  Not just in food but all the other ways.  And are there any areas where you can expand and embed this? 

If you would like any more untangling all of this, please do drop me an email.


"I want a healthier lifestyle but every time I think of exercise or eating better my brain says 'you're only doing this as you are fat, horrible and ugly and a vicious cycle starts of feeling loathsome towards myself. How do I change the negative self talk in small steps?"

So many people struggle with negative self-talk, especially when it comes to body image and health. It’s important to start by acknowledging that these harsh, critical thoughts are learned—they’re not an inherent truth about who you are. The good news is that, with small, compassionate steps, you can start to shift them.   The first step is to bring awareness to these thoughts without judging yourself for having them. (and if you do – notice you are probably judging yourself for judging yourself).   When your brain says, “You’re only doing this because you’re fat, horrible, and ugly,” notice it and name it. You might say to yourself, “That’s my inner critic talking,” or “There’s that familiar negative voice again.”.  Or you might even like to name it “Helpful Dorris, anything else you’d like to add?” This simple act of noticing separates you from the thought and reminds you that you are not your thoughts. 


Ask yourself, “Whose voice is this?” or “ Where did I learn to talk to myself this way?  Often, these thoughts are echoes of societal messages or past experiences, not reflections of your inherent worth.

I wonder what you would say if to a friend who was struggling with this stuff?  And I wonder if you could be that friend to yourself?

Your brain has associated exercise and eating better with punishment or an attempt to “fix” something about you, which feeds that negative cycle. There is no judgment on whether you do or don’t have to move your body – but if you do choose to – I wonder what someone who was motivating themselves with kindness might say?

Undoing years of being unkind to your body and critical self talk does not get undone overnight, but it grows through small, consistent acts of kindness and of noticing when you find yourself acting in a way which you do not like – you intervene and remind yourself you are trying something else for a while. 

I also think it would be worth investigating what your idea of health is.  Health is not a sze or shape, it’s about supporting your body and mind in a way that feels sustainable and kind. Bullying yourself is the opposite of this.  Taking care of yourself doesn’t requires you to be willing to let go of old stories.  And you deserve that.  It’s your right and something you deserve, simply because you exist.


You are more than your thoughts, and you’re so much more than the harsh stories you tell yourself. You deserve to care for your body and mind not because you need to earn love or approval or anything else, but because you are already worthy of both. You can begin to rewrite this story.  It is yours for the taking.


Burnout

"How to overcome professional and personal burnout that are compounded by mental health struggles and when you're unable to take an extended leave from work and have little-to-no support (like more than the usual "drink water, get sleep, exercise" -- what else can I be doing???)"

I want to start by acknowledging how much strength it takes to even ask this question. You’re clearly navigating so much, and seeking ways to care for yourself in this situation is a courageous act – and you just took one by reaching out.  Please pause for a moment to acknowledge that.

Burnout is your body and mind’s way of saying, “Something needs to change.” It can feel overwhelming, but it can be useful to reframe it as a map. What signals is your body sending you? Where is burnout showing up the most—in your thoughts, emotions, or physical health?  It may seem like all of them, but pausing to break it down into more specific points can help untangle some of the sense of overwhelm.  Ask yourself what specific signs of burnout are you noticing most often? What might these signs be asking you to pay attention to?

When you can’t step away entirely, sometimes a powerful act can be to simplify what you’re trying to carry. Are there tasks, commitments, or expectations (self-imposed or external) that you could delegate, postpone, or even release? Letting go doesn’t mean giving up—it’s creating room for you to breathe.

I also invite you to notice where thoughts shape your experience.  Burnout is often intensified by thoughts which create pressure, (hello perfectionism).  If you catch yourself thinking things like “I can’t rest until everything is done,” or “If I’m not productive, I’m only making things worse.” – this kind of thing.  What are the stories running through your mind about your work, worth, and responsibilities? Are these stories helping or harming you?  Get them down on paper so you can really look at them without them wriggling away.  And have a think about this idea that if you treated yourself with more kindness, how might those thoughts change?

When extended leave is not an option, it is essential to carve chunks of time wherever you can.   We can convince ourselves if it is not big, it is not worth it, but that’s not true: sinply because the small moments add up.  And they add up a lot quicker than no rest at all. Are there small moments in your day where you could give yourself even 5–10 minutes of intentional rest or grounding? It may cause you to want to yell “I don’t have time!” at the screen reading this, but I really want to remind you that if you don’t make the time, your body will always, always make you stop eventually, even if it is just with a cold or similar – we’ve all experienced it.  We can only go so long pretending we are not mammals, and finding ways which this could work for you in your day will always be less disruptive than becoming ill and having no choice.  If you’re able to find a few minutes here or there for yourself – what would feel restorative to you? Dancing to your favourite song in your own personal kitchen disco, a 3 minute stretch routine, journaling, stepping outside, or simply sitting for 5 minutes and listing people you love?  Please note I didn’t suggest scrolling on your phone or watching TV, though those may feel like a “treat” (and I don’t think they are inherently bad)  they are not quietening the noise – they are actually adding to it.

This stuff can be tough to navigate without external support.  I have a course on www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk on How to Avoid Burnout (and you can listen to it on double speed whilst you are doing other things if you like – I won’t tell anyone).  Are there small ways to reach out for support, to friends, family or online communities where you could share your experience and feel seen?  Genuinely, this is one of the things I hear most often about the weekly group calls we have at www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk, but if that is not right for you right now – are there other ways you could lean into community support?

I also invite you to think about what you are already doing well, even if it doesn’t feel like enough?

When you’re burned out, it’s easy to focus on what’s not working. But what are you already doing to survive and keep moving forward? Sometimes, recognising your existing strengths can help you reconnect with your resilience.

You’re allowed to put yourself on the list of people you care for, even when everything feels heavy. You’re doing enough. You are enough.

 

Communication

"I have cerebral palsy which affects the rate at which I process what I want to say. Its not obvious but it means that I often stop mid-sentence. This causing people to talk over me, which is frustrating but I don't know how to break it, without just telling people that's the issue..."

This is so valid and completely understandable—being interrupted is frustrating for anyone, and especially when it’s happening because people aren’t aware of your process.

 

I wonder also how much of the frustration is caused by some other thoughts though.  When you think of the frustration, what thoughts come up for you?   I ask this directly, as the phrasing of your query makes me suspect that you believe that if you did not find it frustrating, then it would be ok for people to talk over you, and I am not sure that is something you’d probably agree with.

So let’s break it into three components – what is the thought causing the frustration (I find a really useful tool for uncovering what is really going on here is what I call “5 layers of why?”, so answer the question “Why is this frustrating?” and keep asking yourself “Why is this a problem?” 5 times to each layer of an answer and you’ll nearly always end up with something really juicy to unpack.

 

The second component is spending some time with your thoughts and feeling about not wanting people to talk over you.  This is perfectly valid – and also – they are and they do.  So knowing that they do and probably may continue to do so, as this has been your experience, do you want to spend your energy wishing they wouldn’t or working out how you want to think, feel and respond?  This is not a trick question, there is no right answer here.   All I know is that if I am allowing my wellbeing and peace to rest upon the hope that other people are going to change their behaviour, I am going to be waiting a long time.

 

Thirdly, I wonder if it may be worth you unpacking why you may not want to tell people and how this is impacting you showing up as your full self?  There can be lots of valid reasons, and there are likely to be some old stories in there too, and it is worth unpacking which is which.  I know, for myself, as a disabled person, sometimes I do not want to tell people because I think it is none of their damn business, and sometimes I do want to name what is going on as ablism (and sometimes my own internalised ablism).  No one way is right, but it is worth unpacking which choices you have in front of you and which ones you like.  The best way I have found to do this is to fill a piece of paper with a load of my thoughts (free writing or a brain dump) and ask yourself a basic question, here it could be “Why don’t I want to tell people?” and just let the words flow, don’t edit them or judge them, just let them fill the page and see what comes up for you.  Then you can pick one thought at a time up and see which ones you want to work on.

If you’d like to know how to work on this, please do consider signing up for www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk and we can look at this together.

You may also like to brainstorm some stock phrases to disrupt other people’s interruptions, things like: “I’m just gathering my thoughts” or “Give me a moment—I’m still with you here.” This doesn’t require a big explanation but still communicates that you’re intentionally continuing.

Lastly, remember that your voice is valuable. You deserve to be heard in a way that honours your pace, expression and choices and working out why you want to be heard can help you create more space for you to work out you the details of the how.

Family

"I went through several rounds of Ivf to have my 2 youngest children. We still have 1 embryo left in storage, but are now at a time where we know we can't use it; I'm 46, we dont have a big enough house, car, bank balance or energy levels to bring another child into the world. But it is really hard and emotional making that decision to dispose of our last embryo and I have alot of emotion attached to it. How do we move forward?"

This is such a tender, deeply personal decision, and it makes sense that you’re feeling a mix of emotions. IVF journeys can be incredibly emotional, and the attachment you feel is valid. I wonder if you have spent some with that?  And although I am happy to respond to you here, I also wonder if you may consider some grief counselling around this, no matter what you decide – because there are losses wherever you decide to step and I think working through this with a grief specialist could be really useful.

And of course it is not just grief which is here – there will be many other emotions too, and confusion is clearly one of them.  I invite you to spend some time writing down what thoughts you are having about the decision – not what decision you should make, but about the fact that you are having to make it, and then on another piece of paper, write down what thoughts about what you are worried about if you make the “wrong” decision.  This will allow you to see what is really causing you to feel stuck here.


Most of the time we think there is a “right” answer and a “wrong” answer and we are terrified of how we are going to treat ourselves if we think we got things wrong.  So pre-empt that – when you think about making the “wrong” choice – what else could be possible?  What would you like to be feeling in this situation?  If you could aim to treat yourself in a dream way, in a dream scenario – what would that look like for you?  Get specific.


Then flip it – what if you made the “right” decision?  Then what would you be thinking?  What would be possible?  What would that feel like if you were not criticising yourself  What would your life (and your relationship) look like?


Exploring possibilities outside of the basic “what should we do” will allow you to see this decision in the context of your life rather than a cliff edge, which is how it reads right now.


And perhaps brainstorm some neutral compassionate thoughts you could begin to practise, no matter what you decide.  Things like “Letting go is not the same as giving up,” or “This is a part of my journey.”  Or “It is normal this feels hard” – what other ones can you come up with?  And what compassionate thoughts could you bring in here?  “Neither option diminishes the love and effort we put into creating our family,” or “I can choose to treat myself with care through this.” Things like this.  What works for you?  Get them down on paper and rehearse them so you brain finds them familiar rather than alien concepts. 

Don’t feel like you have to navigate this alone. Lean on friends or a therapist, or message me, and we can look at ways we can work on some of these feelings and how may be the best way to support you. Sometimes, having a space where your emotions are witnessed and validated can be a huge relief.  Even when you may not always know what to say.

The way you treat yourself here, ultimately, is the most important lesson in all of this because it is how you are treating the parent of all of your children.  Hold yourself with tender care.  And please do reach out if you would like more support.


"I can’t control my anxiety about my close family. They are all in difficult and stressful long-term situations that I can’t change. I worry constantly about them and their mental health, but of course the primary affect of this is to compromise my own mental health. I don’t have any close friends or family to support me. I know some of the answers to all this in my head, but can’t seem to shift the emotional and physical response, which feels out of proportion and is making me ill."

Anxiety about loved ones, especially when we feel powerless to change their situations, can create a constant undercurrent of stress that impacts both our body and mind. Sometimes, just naming and exploring these feelings can create a bit of space to breathe and reflect.  We can feel like we need the situation to change in order for us to feel differently, but it is our thoughts which create our emotions – and thank goodness – because that means we are not waiting around for other people to change. Let’s take this slowly with a few questions that might help you unpack what’s going on and find some ways to create a little distance from the intensity of it.  When you say you “know the answers are all in your head”, I know that is logically, but the phrasing also alerts me to the fact that you don’t really believe it, and you think if things were different, you would feel better.  But your emotions come from electrical signals in your brain – not outside.

When you notice yourself worrying about your family, can you identify the specific thoughts which come up? Are there particular fears or worst-case scenarios your mind keeps returning to? Often, anxiety loops come from specific thoughts, even if they’re repetitive. Gently ask yourself, “What exactly am I afraid will happen here?” and “What do I believe will happen if I stop worrying?”.  Sometimes, by identifying these specific thoughts, you might find that some of them are assumptions or stories that feel “true” in the moment but might not reflect the full reality. This isn’t about dismissing your worries but seeing if there’s any room to gently question the thoughts driving the anxiety.

If you are worrying constantly, I wonder what the worry is giving you?  And what it is protecting you from?

Worry can sometimes be a mask for deeper emotions. When you think about your family and their struggles, are there feelings besides anxiety that come up? Sometimes, acknowledging these emotions helps us see that the worry might actually be a way of holding space for additional vulnerable feelings.

Since you mentioned that this anxiety has become physical, take a moment to notice where it shows up in your body. Do you feel tension in your chest, a tightness in your stomach, or a sense of restlessness? Bringing attention to the physical sensations without trying to “fix” them can sometimes create a sense of separation between *you* and *the anxiety*.  What happens if you breathe into that space for a moment without needing it to change?

When we focus all our care and energy on others, it’s easy to overlook our own needs. Are there aspects of your own life that feel neglected, like connection, rest, or a sense of yourself outside of supporting your family? I wonder what may come up if you were to journal on the  part of you which is feeling unseen or unsupported right now  I wonder if it is also worth asking “Am I carrying responsibilities that don’t belong to me?” – and to take it a layer deeper “What am I getting from taking on these responsibilities?”  and “How does it feel when I tell myself I have no choice?”

 

This doesn’t mean that you stop caring or loving them, they are questions for your to investigate, it’s about acknowledging that they, too, have their own strength and resources, even if their struggles are hard for you to watch.

I also think you may get a lot out of getting curious about what it would look like if you allowed myself to feel this anxiety without needing it to change? Letting the feelings exist without resistance can sometimes relieve the pressure, even if just a little.

 

By exploring these questions, you’re creating room to gently process what’s happening inside you without needing to have all the answers right now. You’re allowed to hold space for yourself, too, in the midst of this. You’re allowed to be anxious, if you want to be.  And if you don’t, it is worth looking at what else could be possible for you.  It is not going to change overnight, but it sure as hell will take longer if you judge yourself for it.  

"I'm a single mum of two children (13 and 10). I find self care and routines difficult as I'm dealing with kids, work and chronic pain/fatigue alone. But I've noticed the biggest barrier is a sense that there's no point doing things that other people won't see. Eg trying to exercise more, get outside with the kids, cook healthy meals (especially when the children are at their dad's and it's only for me), clean the house, improve myself, because no one is here to see it so it doesn't count. When I am around family (rarely as they live far), I am much more inclined to do these things because there is the motivation of being seen or needing to put on a show of being a good human. The rest of the time I can't be bothered as I won't get any credit when no one sees. Does that make sense?"

It makes complete sense, and I’m so glad you shared this. When you’re carrying so much on your own, from single parenthood to managing chronic pain and work, it’s natural to feel like the effort you put in only “counts” when there’s someone there to acknowledge it. So many of us feel motivated when we’re being “seen,” especially because our culture often ties worth to productivity and appearances. But let’s explore a way to shift this perspective so your self-care  is rewarding for you, even when no one’s around to witness it.

A powerful question to journal on may be why you think putting in the effort when other people around is worth it.  Find a piece of paper and fill it with your thoughts.  Don’t edit it.  Just writ the thoughts as they tumble out.  At the moment, you are trying to explain what you are not doing and I suspect there may be clues in what you ARE doing (ie when people can see it)


My suspicion is that there are some thoughts under here that you are doing this stuff FOR other people rather than yourself – which is why when no one sees it, it does not matter.  And this leads me to question how much selfcare you do for yourself – and when you do, why?  And I am talking pleasure, relaxation, indulgence, compassion, movement, creativity – these kind of things.  It can be common when we have a lot going on that we can believe numbing out techniques, like Netflix, doom scrolling and takeaways we gobbling in guilt rather than actually enjoying are ways of treating ourselves, but often that stuff is escapism.  And it is natural to want to find escape routes when you don’t have care for yourself embedded in your days, so lets look at some ways we could shift this.

What are all small ways you’re showing up for you, not for anyone else?  Go microscopic.  Did you put shoes on before you left the house?  Winning.  Did you drink any water today?  You’re doing great.  Did you nourish yourself?  Incredible scenes.  Allow your brain the dopamine hit of being praised for looking after yourself and your well-being – not because this will create a foundation for the energy and resilience that help you handle all those daily responsibilities – but because you are worthy of them just because you exist. 

It’s okay if the motivation feels different when others aren’t around. Let that awareness be a signal that part of you is maybe centring other people at the expense of your own wellbeing, and practice including yourself in the picture of people you care about. That way you begin to model to others how you want to be treated and how it is possible for them to treat themselves.

Fear

"I just feel so stuck at the moment. Feels like things are getting bad again. I have a range of issues bothering me. Feeling like I’m not where I should be in life. Feeling stuck and unfulfilled. Body image is in the pits. Relationship with food is awful, I comfort eat. Aches and pains. Relationships suffering. I just don’t know how to get out of the rut."

Thank you for sharing all of this—it sounds like you’re carrying a lot right now, and it’s completely understandable to feel stuck when so many different parts of life feel heavy at once. Sometimes, feeling this way is a sign that we need to pause and explore what’s going on beneath the surface. Let’s take it one layer at a time with some questions that might help you begin to untangle these different areas and understand what’s coming up for you.

When you think about everything you’ve described—life direction, body image, relationships, and health—do any of these feel particularly heavy? Are there certain areas that pull your energy down more than others? Sometimes clarifying where we feel most stuck helps bring a bit of focus to the feeling.  Ask yourself, “What’s the biggest thing weighing on me right now?” or “If I could change one thing in my life today, what would it be?”

 

You mentioned feeling like you’re not where you should be. Where should you be?  I am not being pedantic – I mean really answer this for yourself, I would advice filling a piece of paper with all your responses to this question.  You may be surprised at some of the things your brain is saying.  

This method of getting specific is going to help you untangle some of this overwhelm as you are then able to choose one thing at a time to work on. What are the specific thoughts you notice when it comes to how you view your body? Are there particular words or judgments that come up repeatedly?   Apply these questions to the pain as well and see what you come up with.   Relationships can suffer when we’re feeling stuck because we may not have the energy or focus to fully show up. When you think about the relationships in your life, are there particular needs or changes you’re longing for?  What feelings do you think those change would give you that you do not have now?

 

When it comes to food, I invite you to read through some of the other responses I have written on this page, and see if you can identify which feelings you are trying to escape from by numbing out with food.

When we feel stuck, it’s easy to layer on judgment or blame ourselves for not being in a different place. What would it feel like to release some of that self-judgment and approach this time with compassion? Sometimes the first step out of a rut is simply giving yourself permission to feel stuck without rushing to “fix” everything at once.

 Just by opening up to these questions, you’re already taking the first step toward finding your way forward.

Fear. Just Fear.

Fear is such a universal experience—one we all carry, even if it looks different for each of us. It can show up in countless ways: fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of change, or even fear of success. But while fear can feel overwhelming, it really, really normal and has kept our species alive up until now.  The truth this that our lives have rapidly evolved and this old coping mechanism is still responding like we may be caught by a sabre tooth tiger, when all it actually was, was a text message.


We can take several approaches to taming some of the fear (whilst acknowledging we don’t want to get rid of all of it – an ability to respond in fear keeps us safe and able to respond quickly when needed).  Here are some suggested starting places:

Fear is natural; it’s your brain’s way of protecting you from perceived threats, even if those threats are no longer relevant or are based more on *what if* than *what is*. This means that fear doesn’t always indicate a true danger—it’s often about uncertainty or vulnerability. Recognising the difference is powerful because it shows that fear isn’t an enemy, but a signal, one that we can start to understand and work with.


One helpful way to approach fear is to treat it with compassion rather than resistance. Instead of pushing it away, try asking it questions: What are you trying to protect me from? What do you need to feel safe? Often, fear is rooted in past experiences or beliefs that have been with us a long time, and by gently exploring it, you’re learning more about what’s holding you back. This approach doesn’t eliminate fear but allows you to coexist with it in a way that’s less overwhelming.


Moving through fear is less about taking massive leaps (“SCARY!”) and more about small, consistent steps forward (“Did I just do that? Oh wow!”). Pick one small action that stretches you, just a little bit, but feels manageable, like sharing an idea in a meeting or reaching out to someone you have not spoken to for a while. Each time you take a step, no matter how small, you’re teaching yourself that you’re capable of moving forward, even with fear existing.


Fear is not something to “conquer” or eliminate but to understand and work alongside. Over time, these acts build a foundation of resilience that reminds you that you’re stronger with and because of your fears, not only once you have annihilated them. Each step you take reinforces that you’re capable of facing fear and moving forward, and that’s where growth, compassion and confidence are born.

Life

“Self-sabotage has always been a big struggle for me, even now when I want to embark on a new adventure. What steps can I start taking to help me overcome this?”

Self-sabotage is a struggle many of us face, especially when we’re standing on the edge of something new and exciting. The thing is – we all know what it is, but because we rarely talk about it, we don’t get into details.  I think it could be useful for you to define what self-sabotage is for you?   What happens?  What does not happen?  When was the last time that happened?  What were you thinking?  What were you feeling?  What were you doing?

 

Sometimes, we get locked into these old stories, and they become things we have on replay rather than things which still fit our narratives.  As you embark on something new, it is worth asking yourself if these stories you tell yourself – namely, you are someone who struggles with self-sabotage are still true, and if they are things you want to continue.  It could be good to think of some areas of your life where you do not self-sabotage.  What do you think about these areas?  Why is that different?

I often find it useful to hone things down into a specific example rather than talking theoretically.

Start by identifying what you’re telling yourself when the urge to self-sabotage comes up. What are the thoughts that swirl around in those moments? Often I hear things like “I’m not ready for this,”  or *“What if I fail?” or the ole classic “I am not good enough”.  Once you recognise these thoughts, write them down. This externalises them and helps you see them for what they are: just thoughts, not truths.

Notice how those thoughts make you feel. Understand that these feelings are valid, but they stem from those self-sabotaging thoughts, not the reality of what you’re capable of or based on any kind of intrinsic truth about who you are as a person.

Ask yourself what could also be true here. Thoughts like “I can take one step at a time” or “I am learning” neutralise some of the nonsense and remind us that we get to make up the rules as we go along.

 

And when self-sabotage happens (because it absolutely will pop back to remind you it exists), try acknowledging that all these big voices are just trying to protect you and keep you small and safe, and that does not have to be all that is possible.  The more we try and shove them away, the larger the monster becomes, so just noticing that the inner critic is trying to take over and actively deciding that you would like to trial a response that is more kind opens the door to possibilities where self-sabotage is not the automatic default.

 

At SelfCareSchool, the whole basis of the self-coaching model, where I teach people how to coach their own brains through any difficulty, is called the Self-Sabotage Solution.  It is the foundation framework of everything I teach, and it is the first course people go through when they join the membership.

 

If you’d like to take this work to the next level, I would love to see you inside.  

"Developing a positive mindset"

Developing a positive mindset can be a lovely aim, but is often balanced on the idea that if we are not being positive then something has gone wrong.  Life is not going to feel great if we are ignoring the hard stuff or forcing ourselves to see rainbows in every storm. It’s about learning to hold both—the beauty and the mess, the joy and the pain—and recognising that being human means feeling it all. If we try to bypass our uncomfortable emotions or pretend they don’t exist, we miss out on the richness of our experiences and the opportunity to grow. It may be interesting to ask yourself what you think it means to have a positive mindset?” Be honest with yourself and see if there is any part of you which is trying to dodge feeling other emotions (bonus points if you can work out wat those emotions are).  What are you afraid will happen if you allow yourself to feel other emotions? Especially the ones you don’t like?  I would like to acknowledge that is both okay if you don’t wake up with a bounce in your step every day, and that it is normal to want to. I wonder how much time you have spent with other emotions – and how comfortable you are with them.  Sometimes just acknowledging them “Today, I’m feeling tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed etc” whatever it is for you, without trying to fix it or judge it or numb it out. This isn’t toxic positivity; it’s honest. Give yourself permission to feel without trying to polish it all into something pretty. Ask yourself, *“What do I need right now?”, The answer might be rest, a moment to cry, or just a few deep breaths, or maybe it is to find ways to put a positive spin on the situation – but if that is your desire, I think it is vital to understand why.


Because from there, you can make clear, conscious, small shifts to feel just 1% better – because you want to – not to escape something else.  It’s not about flipping a switch to joy but nudging yourself towards something that feels supportive. 


Notice the thoughts that come up when you’re struggling, especially when you are struggling to be as positive as you would like (I am guessing there is some judgment that you are not finding being positive as easy as you believe it should be). Are your thoughts compassionate or harsh? Often, the narrative in our minds can be the biggest barrier to feeling anything like kindness. You’re allowed to feel your feelings – not just the instagrammable ones. Remember that the goal isn’t a perfect mindset; it’s self-compassion. When you feel like you’re not doing “positivity” right, remind yourself of you’re probably doing your best and that is probably enough.  You’re allowed to be messy, real, and imperfect. And in that realness, you’ll find the resilience and the joy that are truly yours.


"There is nothing specifically wrong, but I just feel like things could be a bit better. Where should I begin?"

This is a powerful space to be in because it’s where we begin to acknowledge the potential for more without the urgency of a crisis. First, get curious about your desire for things to be “a bit better.” What does “better” look like for you? Often, we fall into the trap of thinking we need a major overhaul, when sometimes small, intentional tweaks can create the shifts we’re looking for. Ask yourself: Which area of my life, if improved just slightly?  Why do they need “Improving”? What does “improving” look like for you?  How would you know? What would create a ripple effect? 

Start by identifying one area, and begin making small, manageable changes there..  And I mean tiny.  So small it is more effort not to do them. This could be anything from your relationships, health, work, time keeping or people pleasing.  You get to decide, what could be more fun, more joyful, more carefree, or whatever you want more of.  And you might want to fill a whole page free writing what it is you want more of.

Remember, progress starts with awareness and intention. The fact that you're feeling this way suggests you're already ready for change, even if it's subtle. Sometimes, the next step is to simply sit with the discomfort and allow yourself to explore what “better” means without the pressure of needing to know all the answers immediately.

And if you’re struggling to work that out, drop me an email and we can work out how you might uncover more clarity.

Good luck!

"I am a truly single momma. I often feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I lost my full time job and have a crushing amount of debt. I don't ever feel like I will get ahead. How do I still take care of myself?"

The fact that you’re even asking how to take care of yourself shows strength and that deserves recognition.  I think it would be useful for us to explore what "Taking Care of Myself" means to you right now.  Knowing it may look different at different times and sometimes even on different days.  

I think it would be useful for your to write down the story you are telling yourself about your situation.  Not to try and convince yourself it is not that bad, but so you can see all the ways you are telling yourself it is bad.  All this stuff can get so muddled in our heads, that the simple act of getting it out and down onto paper can really show us what we are dealing with.  Start off with some basic questions: What am I telling myself about my situation right now?  Is this thought helping or hurting me? How do I feel when I tell myself this thought?

I think it could also be useful for you to try and reframe rest for this season you are in and see what else could be explored. Rest doesn’t always mean taking a nap (though that’s amazing if you can!). It might mean giving yourself permission to put something off that isn’t urgent or letting go of the idea that everything has to be done perfectly.  What’s one thing you can let go of today to make room for breathing space?  What is smallest way you can give yourself a break, even for five minutes?  I really think it is worth never underestimating how overwhelming it can all feel when you are tired.  And most of us are unbelievably tired.


Debt and job loss are overwhelming and can seem overwhelming. While it’s true that not everything is within your control, how you respond to them definitely is.  What is one small action you could take today to feel a little more in control of your situation?  Brainstorm who or what could you could reach out to for support or resources or advice.  It could be making a phone call about financial assistance, reaching out to a local food bank, or researching community programs that support single parents. The path out of here is rarely a quick fix, it is made up for small steps, and you can take small steps, you’re probably a boss at it.  This will help remind you that progress is possible.  


Being a single parent often means your needs come last, but remember, caring for yourself is also a way of caring for your child.  What would you like to model to them in terms of taking care of ourselves, even in hard times?  Be cautious not to slide into perfectionism here, just looking for lighthouse can sometimes be enough to not to feel lost at sea.

In times of struggle, it’s easy to focus only on what’s not going well. But even on the hardest days, you’re showing up—you’re doing your best, and that matters. Ask yourself:  What’s one thing I did today that I’m proud of?  What strength am I showing by navigating these times?  

Right now, survival may feel like the priority, and that’s okay. Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to mean big changes; it’s about finding small ways to protect your energy and show yourself kindness in the midst of everything. You’re navigating an incredibly tough season, and things will not always feel like this.  Remember: you deserve care, too, no matter how heavy the load feels.  Well done for reaching out.


Money

"Please respond to this query: How do I stay focused on self care and not let my self care goals I am trying to implement and/or keep up not fall off by the wayside every time I hit financial roadblocks that throw me off centre and deserve my urgent attention (e.g. student loan debt in danger of going to collections imminently).

Navigating self-care when financial stressors are present can feel challenging, especially when those stressors demand immediate attention. Financial pressures can easily create a cycle where self-care feels like a “luxury” rather than a necessity. And I invite you to notice where that is rooted in the idea of self-care being an extravagance which needs to be bought (even with time) rather than essential maintenance of kindness, rest and care of the mammals that we are.

 

Let’s start with the basics – what does self-care mean you?  What motivated you to do it?  And what does not?  When you are taking care of yourself, what emotions do you feel?  When you are not, what is missing?  These questions will lead you to map out what self-care looks like, feels like, and how it can be realised in the circumstances you have, not in some idealised future fantasy – in you’re here and now life.

Here are some other questions you may like to ask yourself:  What if Self-Care was essential, not optional?  How would your life be different?  What are your non-negotiables?  What might some people classify as self-care but you know are essential maintenance to the human you are?  How would your financial stress be impacted if you did prioritise self-care?  Is that something you would like to do? What is the smallest possible way you can begin to integrate self-care into your daily routine, which you could begin today?

 

Working thought these questions is going to help you uncover what you want rather than focussing on what is holding you back.  If you would like some support with some of the answers which have come up for you, drop me an email.

"I do not have the money for self-care. It sounds like a lovely idea, but everything is so tight right now."

It can feel like self-care is a luxury rather than a priority when you’re dealing with something that demands your attention right now. But here’s the thing: self-care is exactly what will help you handle these tough moments with more resilience and clarity.

Let’s break it down into some steps to help you stay focused on taking care of yourself, even when the pressure is on.

First, look at the financial situation as factually as you can. How much do you owe?  By when do you need to repay it? This way, you’re not spiralling in worry; you’re just laying out the situation.

The next thing to do is check in with your initial reaction. Many people might think something like, “I need to fix this immediately, and self-care will have to wait,” or “I don’t have time to focus on myself right now.” This is a totally human reaction, but it often leaves us feeling frantic and more stressed.

What could be a more neutral thought which could also be true? Something like, “Taking care of myself may help me handle my finances,” or “I can balance my well-being and work on my finances at the same time.” You’re not ignoring the reality of your financial situation, but you’re acknowledging that taking care of yourself may help you manage it better.

When you start thinking in a way that supports your well-being, you’ll feel more calm, grounded, and have more clarity. Worry may still be there, it is no longer constantly grabbing the steering wheel. Work out which feelings would help you stay centred, so that both your self-care and your financial tasks don’t feel overwhelming.

You don’t have to solve everything at once; just keep showing up for yourself in small, kind ways, every day. You’ll begin to notice a difference – and that in itself is selfcare.

Motivation

“I don’t execute my ideas. I know this will not generate any results, but my daily routine keeps me from doing it. I am also scared of failing. How can I be brave and take action while keeping up with my current responsibilities (kids, home, sport)?”

First off, it’s really human to feel this way—especially when you’re balancing so much already. Between family, home, and personal life, adding the courage to go after your ideas can feel like a big leap. Especially when we are often taught t put our selves last and that anything else is “selfish”.


There are a number of questions which will really help you identify where you want to be and how to map your way there.  Start with this little lot:

“I don’t execute my ideas” – is that really true?  Never?  Are there any ideas you do execute?  How about small ones, like whether you want a cup of tea or not?  Then have a look at how you feel when you tell yourself you never execute your ideas.  Do you think it makes you more motivated to focus on what could be possible?  I will ask it a different way: does being mean to yourself inspire you to do more things for yourself?  I would be surprised.


I see you say you know that it will not generate results but I think it is worth really exploring what you do get from not executing your ideas.  Because we always get something.  What is not executing your ideas protecting you from?  There is a hint here when you say you are scared of failing.  Rather than trying to brush that aside, let’s look at that and shine a bright light on it.  What does failure mean for you?  What would it explicitly look like in these circumstances?  Then follow it through.  What if you did fail?  What would you make that mean about you?  Episode 80 of my podcast Spam Filter for Your Brain talks about Fear of Success, and I think this may be a useful listen for you: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/selfcareschools-spam-filter-for-your-brain/id1656114513?i=1000658013167

 But you don’t have to overhaul everything at once. The key is to build momentum gradually and give yourself permission to try.  I wonder what you think someone who was feeling brave, like you say you want, may be thinking?  And is there anywhere you feel that already in your life?  Once you identify that, you will see that it is possible to feel brave, even in small ways, for you, in your current life.  Then all we need is to practise this thought and make it more accessible to the way you think about your daily routine and daily responsibilities.  If you’d like help mapping this out, drop me an email.

Relationships

“I'm really struggling with finding a partner. I've been single for almost three years, although I've never had a relationship that lasted more than 18 months. I'm beginning to feel like I'm incapable of them. I've done all the self-love work and tried different approaches to dating, but still no partner has materialised. I know I don’t need a partner, but I would like one, and it feels natural to want companionship. Are there any ways to reframe my desire for romantic love as something I can live without?”

First off, your desire for companionship is valid. Humans are wired for connection, and it’s normal to feel frustrated when that connection isn’t happening in the way you want it to, at a time frame you desire (or have been taught to expect). Wanting a partner doesn’t make you incomplete or mean you haven’t done “enough” self-work—it just makes you human.

One way to approach this is to see your desire as something beautiful and affirming rather than something you need to fix or eliminate.  Telling yourself you should not be feeling this is a way or denying your lived experience and that is only going to feel like you are attacking yourself (the opposite of connection).  This can be really hard when so many people make a lot of money telling us how we should be utterly fulfilled by our own company and if we are not we are getting something wrong.  This message is so pervasive (especially on social media) I wonder if you have spent much time investigating how much of this narrative you believe?  Do you believe there is a “right amount of internal work you have too do to achieve a relationship?  If so, how much is that?  Get specific.  I suspect when you poke at this theory it may crumble pretty quickly.  But a lot of our self-criticism can often rest on these societal fallacies.  Make sure you are acting from your own beliefs, not just those you have been taught you SHOULD be thinking or feeling.

Then it is worth looking at how much of this you have internalised.  What are you making it mean about you that you have never had a relationship which lasted longer than 18 months?  What timescale is an acceptable scale?  What makes a successful relationship?  Are all long relationships desirable relationships?  What does incapable of a relationship mean?   Is this possible when you have had relationships in the past?  Dig into the details of this – I advice getting a pen and paper out and digging down into your most tantrummy self about it and write all the things you are not particularly proud of thinking, but think anyway and bring them out into the open so you can see how many of them are things you wish to continue to tell yourself.

 

I am also interested in your phrase “no partner has materialised” which exposes the thought that you may have engaged in some of the “self-love work” in order to magic someone into existence – rather than to gain confidence in the relationship you have with yourself.  There is no criticism here.  In a world which sells the idea that if we do enough inner work, we will be rewarded with a prize, it is easy to understand why this may feel like it is a justified end result, but, my darling – you are the prize.  The person who we are hoping to show up when we do the inner work is us.   I know that may sound trite, but doing the inner work for someone else, is always going to leave us feeling a deficit.

Lastly (for now) when I read your final sentence “Are there any ways to reframe my desire for romantic love as something I can live without?” I can see why this would be something that is causing you suffering,  You are trying to convince yourself you do not want something you want, and that is going to feel like you are being denied your desires.  I am sure you have herd the phrase “what we resist, persists” – and I think that by telling yourself you are not allowed your wants, you are making them a bigger force in your life.  In simple terms your brain is receiving the message that you are not listening so it yells louder.  I wonder how different things may be for you if you were to allow yourself the grace of a thought like “It is normal for me to feel sad about not finding the kind of romantic love the films taught me we all get, yet.”.  Taking the sting out of pushing your own emotions away may make them feel less like they need to jostle for your attention and when you allow them some care, you in turn offer yourself more care; and at the end of the day, that is the essential care we all need.

In SelfCareSchool, there is a course called Remarkable Relationships, which you get as part of the membership, and I offer lots of tips and tricks on being kind to yourself on my Instagram @HeardinLondon – if you want to find me over there.  Please do reach out if you’d like to talk any of this stuff through.

Time (and Burnout)

  • How to overcome professional and personal burnout that are compounded by mental health struggles and when you're unable to take an extended leave from work and have little-to-no support (like more than the usual "drink water, get sleep, exercise" -- what else can I be doing???)

    I want to start by acknowledging how much strength it takes to even ask this question. You’re clearly navigating so much, and seeking ways to care for yourself in this situation is a courageous act – and you just took one by reaching out. Please pause for a moment to acknowledge that. Burnout is your body and mind’s way of saying, “Something needs to change.” It can feel overwhelming, but it can be useful to reframe it as a map. What signals is your body sending you? Where is burnout showing up the most—in your thoughts, emotions, or physical health? It may seem like all of them, but pausing to break it down into more specific points can help untangle some of the sense of overwhelm. Ask yourself what specific signs of burnout are you noticing most often? What might these signs be asking you to pay attention to? When you can’t step away entirely, sometimes a powerful act can be to simplify what you’re trying to carry. Are there tasks, commitments, or expectations (self-imposed or external) that you could delegate, postpone, or even release? Letting go doesn’t mean giving up—it’s creating room for you to breathe. I also invite you to notice where thoughts shape your experience. Burnout is often intensified by thoughts which create pressure, (hello perfectionism). If you catch yourself thinking things like “I can’t rest until everything is done,” or “If I’m not productive, I’m only making things worse.” – this kind of thing. What are the stories running through your mind about your work, worth, and responsibilities? Are these stories helping or harming you? Get them down on paper so you can really look at them without them wriggling away. And have a think about this idea that if you treated yourself with more kindness, how might those thoughts change? When extended leave is not an option, it is essential to carve chunks of time wherever you can. We can convince ourselves if it is not big, it is not worth it, but that’s not true: sinply because the small moments add up. And they add up a lot quicker than no rest at all. Are there small moments in your day where you could give yourself even 5–10 minutes of intentional rest or grounding? It may cause you to want to yell “I don’t have time!” at the screen reading this, but I really want to remind you that if you don’t make the time, your body will always, always make you stop eventually, even if it is just with a cold or similar – we’ve all experienced it. We can only go so long pretending we are not mammals, and finding ways which this could work for you in your day will always be less disruptive than becoming ill and having no choice. If you’re able to find a few minutes here or there for yourself – what would feel restorative to you? Dancing to your favourite song in your own personal kitchen disco, a 3 minute stretch routine, journaling, stepping outside, or simply sitting for 5 minutes and listing people you love? Please note I didn’t suggest scrolling on your phone or watching TV, though those may feel like a “treat” (and I don’t think they are inherently bad) they are not quietening the noise – they are actually adding to it. This stuff can be tough to navigate without external support. I have a course on www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk on How to Avoid Burnout (and you can listen to it on double speed whilst you are doing other things if you like – I won’t tell anyone). Are there small ways to reach out for support, to friends, family or online communities where you could share your experience and feel seen? Genuinely, this is one of the things I hear most often about the weekly group calls we have at www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk, but if that is not right for you right now – are there other ways you could lean into community support? I also invite you to think about what you are already doing well, even if it doesn’t feel like enough? When you’re burned out, it’s easy to focus on what’s not working. But what are you already doing to survive and keep moving forward? Sometimes, recognising your existing strengths can help you reconnect with your resilience. You’re allowed to put yourself on the list of people you care for, even when everything feels heavy. You’re doing enough. You are enough.

Time (and Burnout)

Procrastinating, any tricks/hacks? I know that motivation rarely comes. When I am able to force myself to do something (like a bigger task) it's like I'm exhausted the rest of the week and can't get anything else done beyond my job.

Procrastination can be so challenging, especially when it feels like even completing one big task leaves you drained. It’s great that you already know motivation isn’t something we can always rely on, so let’s dig a little deeper into the thoughts and emotions that might be at play here. Often, there’s more beneath procrastination than just needing the “right” trick or hack.  And I am immediately left wondering how much of your exhaustion comes from the task in hands how much of it is from battling the procrastination?


So let’s start with the basics: what thoughts are coming up around the task? (Don’t try and solve it all at once, jus think of the last time this happened).  Recognising the specific thoughts tied to procrastination can help you see why this pattern might be happening.  A lot of people I coach on procrastination are procrastinating as they are worried about getting things wrong.  I have a whole course called Why Perfectionism leads to Procrastination in www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk’s membership, if this is what may be going on for you too.


Now, when you think about those thoughts, you wrote down, notice the emotions which arise. Sometimes, emotions around a task drive us to put it off because they feel too heavy to deal with. What if you were willing to feel that (of course I have a course on this too – it’s one of my favourites – How to Feel Your Feelings without Feeling Like Shit).  I invite you to get curious about the beliefs you hold about your ability to do this task (or the next one, or the one after that)? In your example the story says, “This is going to take all of my energy,” – now that may have been true in the past in some cases, but I would bet hard cash that this specific thought is not energising you in any way.  Beliefs like these can create a feeling of exhaustion even before you begin. Notice if there’s a sense of all or nothing thinking or pressure around getting started. Ask yourself “What expectations am I placing on myself?” when you begin a task – and frankly, do you like them? 

And don’t forget to celebrate your mini wins.  Manage to make lunch today?  Winning.  Popped some socks on?  Go You!  Our brains are dopeamine fiends, and they love a bit of reward hide and seek. Reflecting on past successes, no matter how small they may seem, can reveal clues about what genuinely works for you without leaving you drained.


Finally, when you think about the things you’re procrastinating on, what’s the underlying reason you want to complete them? Asking yourself, “Why does this task matter to me?” is top level work: connecting with your motivation can sometimes make a task feel less daunting and more aligned with what you value.  But if you want to take it a little deeper, I am guessing you probably think you’re a little trapped because you HAVE to do the task.  And it is always interesting to notice where we have choices (even if we do not like the consequences of those choices).


Procrastination isn’t just about needing more tricks; it’s often about understanding what’s driving you away from starting or completing a task in the first place. I have a workshop I ran earlier this year called Get The Damn Thing Done which you can find in the products and replays section on this site.  With curiosity and compassion, you can start to see procrastination not as a failing but as something that holds valuable insights about your thoughts, emotions, and needs. And when you’ve nailed what’s stopping you, these insights will ripple out into the rest of your life.  Good luck!


Work

"There is a guy at work who keeps talking over me in meetings. I want to respond but I know I am going to be called a 'hysterical woman', how can I get him to respect me, without losing it and probably losing my job?"

This is such a tough situation, and it's frustrating because women, especially in professional environments, are often held to impossible standards—be assertive, but not “too much,” speak up, but don’t be “emotional.”


Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge your frustration – and you seem to be doing that by asking the question here – so great job.  This isn't just about one man interrupting you; it's about the larger context of how women’s voices are silenced or undermined.  Framing your frustrations within a wider context will help you see that this is not personal, it is political.  And with this knowledge there is power (and often a will to not let stuff like this pass without change).

 

One way to handle this without losing your cool is to set boundaries in a clear, professional manner. When he interrupts, calmly say something like, "I would like to finish what I was saying," or "I am just going to finish my point." Use a neutral, steady tone. And expect him to interrupt.  He has and he probably will.  How you respond to it will impact how you feel about it.  Don’t hand that power over to whether or not he interrupts.   Assume he will behave the way he always has and look at how you can change how you think and feel about it (because that will, in turn, change the dynamic).

 

You can also address the issue after the meeting with him directly, if you feel safe to do so, or with his superior, or yours, if they are supportive enough: "I’ve noticed x tends to speak over me in meetings, and I’d appreciate it if we could ensure everyone has the space to share their thoughts fully."

Another option is to have an ally in the room, if possible—someone who can back you up and help to call out the interruptions.  Ideally, this is what a good Chair will always do, but we have all been socialised in the same stuff, and they may not always notice. This would not only relieves some of the pressure but also challenges the behaviour more publicly without making it all fall on you.

Finally, remember that you don’t need to internalise the label of "hysterical" or "emotional." That’s a sexist trope designed to silence women. Standing up for yourself isn’t about avoiding these labels, but about asserting your voice and presence, regardless of how others try to frame it. You deserve respect in that space, and it’s okay to demand it without apologising for how you're perceived.

"I'm finding that I'm not completing tasks in a timely manner due to being so focused on the little details (perfectionism). Then the task gets handed off to someone else & it looks like I can't do my job. Help"

Perfectionism can feel like a friend at first, pushing us to create high-quality work, but often it starts working against us by slowing us down and affecting our confidence. Let’s look at some ways to work through this in a way that respects both your attention to detail and your need to get tasks completed on time.

Start by setting a “good enough” standard for your work. This doesn’t mean settling for average work but rather recognising that getting it done is often more valuable than making it flawless. Done is better than perfect every time – no matter what your brain tells you.  One way to do this is to identify the core requirements for each task—ask yourself, “What’s essential here?” or “What are the top three things that would make this a job well done?” By focusing on these key elements, you’re more likely to get through the task without getting bogged down by every minor detail.

But if you would like to make some lasting change, I think it is worth investigating what you are telling yourself, about yourself, if you were to get things wrong.  What are you worried other people will think and say about you, and most crucially, what are you worried you will say about you?   These are not rhetorical questions, I really invite you to answer them fully for yourself, in as many different ways as you can.  Fill a piece of paper writing what comes up for you and sit with what you have written for a while.

The truth is, most people want to get things right as they are worried about how they will be judged.   This is going to double down if your work is then being passed off to other people.  

You are capable – you are there in that role – and I wonder how different it could be if you aimed to get things completed rather than perfect.  What would that feel like for you?  And most crucially, are you willing to feel that – because it is in the discomfort of you being willing to let tasks go and release them out into the wild WITHOUT you thinking they are perfect that is going to free you from getting lost in the details.

 

I have a course called “Why perfectionism causes procrastination” inside SelfCareSchool and it is one of over 30 courses you get access to when you join the membership.   Another one you may be interested in is a workshop called “Get the damn thing done”.  

Over time, small wins will start to shift your habit away from perfectionism and toward confidence in your capabilities.  And the more confidence you build, the less you will focus on the need to get things right the whole time.  Good luck.   Let me know if I can be of more support.

“How can I overcome the blind spots in coaching sessions? I sometimes feel like I freeze up because I don’t fully see or understand the client’s map.”

Firstly, I want to name that I am unsure if “blind spots” is ableist language.  As with most things I am unsure about, I try to use it if possible.

But I understand the meaning of what you are asking, so let’s begin there: here’s my tuppence as a coach: my job is not to “see my clients map” it is to keep asking them questions so they can uncover their thoughts and find their own path.

 

Thinking of it as a map makes it sound like we have an overseeing idea of where this is all going and are helping try and guide them.  I find it way more powerful to enable people to map their own journey – and there is no more useful toll than powerful enquiry.  Keep coming back to the basics: what are you thinking?  What are you telling yourself about that thought?   What are you making that mean?   How is that story making you feel?   Do you like that feeling or not?   Would you like to change it?   Why?  

 

The more we stray from this line the more we put ourselves in saviour role and the less we are teaching our clients tools to take with them on their journey.

 

And.

 

All of this layers ontop of the map that is socialisation, structural oppression, intersections of prejudice and where we have internalised this stuff and what we have been taught, and this includes through culture, family, history, genetics etc.   Ignoring this part is to erase the lived experience of those we support and this is often the only map I ever use: you have been told x about people like this: do you agree with this on a fundamental level?  This is the compass to keep reminding people they have choices, they have power, and to remind them to always, always come back to compassion.

 

There is a chance I have misunderstood your question, and if so, please do drop me an email or clarify.  I hope this is useful.

"Feeling stuck on how to develop my Breathwork practice when I lack funds to invest in further advertising. Have exhausted all the platforms and free ways to advertise, and I am wanting to advance my career with my one on one clients?"

Let’s begin by taking a moment to step back from the feeling of “feeling stuck” - because “stuck’ is not a feeling – it is a thought.  How do you feel when you tell yourself  “I am stuck”?  Often, when I hear this, it is because people are piling on reason from one-half story to another and building a database of why things are not working out.  The most useful shirt out of this is to clarify the facts. The circumstance here might be tempting to be: “I don’t have funds to invest in further advertising” But again, it is more vague than is useful.  How much do you want to have?  By when?  

Then if you want to take it a layer deeper – what are you making it mean that you do not have the funds? What specific thoughts come up when you sit with this? Write them down and take a look at them with curiosity.

Ask yourself what these thoughts make you feel.

And here’s my sneaking hunch – you are not worried about whether you have enough money for further investments.  You are worried about what you will say to yourself if your Breathwork practice does not work out (whatever it not working out means to you) or you think life will be easier if it does work out (whatever working means to you).  But the way you feel about things is not caused by external circumstances – it is caused by our thoughts.  And whether it works out or not you still have complete ability to create the emotions you want to be feeling with the same brain you have now.

Ask yourself, “What else could be true here. This isn’t about jumping to forced positivity but gently opening the door to new options. Could there be untapped collaborations, new approaches, or ways to expand your reach that you haven’t considered because the current narrative is focused on things you have already tried rather than what you could try?  Ask, “If I wasn’t thinking I needed more money right now, what other ways might I try to reach potential clients?” and “What skills or connections do I already have that I haven’t fully leveraged?”

And keep checking in with your emotions.  Are your actions rooted in urgency or fear, or are they coming from a place of curiosity and openness? If fear and scarcity are in the driver’s seat, how does that shape the way you’re showing up?  For yourself and others?  

When we’re stuck, it’s easy to lose sight of our deeper motivation. Take a moment to ask, “Why did I start this work in the first place?” or “What impact do I want to create with this work?” Reconnecting with your why can sometimes shift your focus from old narratives of limitations to internal drive, sparking new possibilities.

Finally, I think is is worth checking in with what you think “advance your career” means to you, in this context?  Sometimes we think growth is only measured in financial or numerical terms, but there are other dimensions, like strengthening connections with current clients or deepening your practice in ways that don’t require monetary investment. How might redefining this for this season help you feel more empowered and less limited?

The goal here is to move from a place of feeling stuck to one where you feel like there’s room to (wait for it) breathe and explore. Thinking you are stuck doesn’t mean you’re out of options - it means you’re in a moment that’s asking for a shift in perspective. Trust that you have the creativity to navigate this, one question and one small breath at a time.

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